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[Based on Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman: It's time to explode 4 taboos of parenting ]

Children are amazing. They’re surrounded by this bubble of innocence and ignorance which allows them to make the most out of everything. They can create castles with just a few boxes, they can transform a wooden stick into a light saber and have the power to make any toy fly. It’s one of the few things you cannot ever recapture, even though it doesn’t hurt to try it from time to time.

I might have to rephrase my first sentence. Children CAN be amazing. Being an uncle myself, I know all about the fun parts of having a baby around. My job is easy: keeping the kid entertained. So 90% of the time I’m with him, he’s enjoying himself. For the parents however, it’s a whole different story. Their main job is to raise the child, not entertain the child. This includes putting them to bed when they don’t want to, tell them what (not) to do and recalibrating everything for the greater good.

But there are some things people are not telling you when you’re becoming a parent for the first time. Big things, important things, things that shouldn’t have been left out of the Parenting for dummies book. Rufus and Alisa have summed up 4 taboos and i’ve summarized them down below.

1.You can’t say you didn’t fall in love with your baby in the first minute.

No reason to worry if you’re not head over heels with your baby right when it popped out. Love is a process and can’t be followed with a yes/no answer. There are certain gradations of love towards your child and partner and somehow we feel we’re not allowed to chart these feelings. Well Rufus and Alisa don’t feel the same way:

As you can see, at the beginning there’s a huge gap between the level of affection of the father and mother. Again: this is not a bad thing. It’s nature.

2. You can’t talk about how lonely having a baby can be.

We al know sacrifices will have to be made on both sides, but it seems that we’ve underestimated the impact it has on the mother. Studies show that 67% of mothers are most lonely when their kids are between 0 and 5 years old. Alisa asked her sister why she wasn’t be warned about these feelings of isolation and disconnect and this was her sisters response: ” It’s just not something you want to say to a mother who’s having a baby for the first time“.

3. You can’t talk about your miscarriage

A difficult subject, considering apart from the mother, no one hasn’t really been in touch with the child. And although it’s also hard on the father, it’s especially hard on the moms. 55 % of them show significant psychological distress immediately after their miscarriage. 74% of women believe that the miscarriage was partly their fault. They’re starting to doubt themselves as a woman and wife. Considering there’s no official mourning period or ceremony, there hasn’t been a proper chance to say goodbye neither.

4. You can’t say your average happiness has declined

We’re talking about your own flesh and blood so you’re reluctant to say things like this, but it seems to be worth mentioning. When you’re young, the only one you have to look after was yourself. When you’re in a relationship and you’d had to make sure your respect your partners wishes as well. And when you’re having a baby, you  have to be on stand-by 24/7. That’s 3 people you’re looking out for. It’s not easy and very stressful to say the least. As a result, your general/marital happiness will decline:

4 different studies show that after having a baby, it takes a very long time to regain the same amount of marital happiness as the period before your baby. Up until the point they’re actually leaving the house. That’s harsh. But in the end, Rufus and Alisa agree. You might be losing control, but it’s a fair trade. You’re trading average happiness, security, safety and a certain level of contentment for those transcendent moments like the first step or the first word. In the end, it’s all worth it.

What I liked about this lecture was their absolute honesty. Some of these things are not easy to say to room full of people, let alone moms. But someone has to say it. There’s a good dynamic between the couple on stage, something which isn’t done very often and combined with some comedy, they’re trying to get out their message. You can watch the presentation down below and get more information on their website Babble, which is focussed on speaking honest about subjects people have trouble talking about.

Sources: Ted, Mom Central Consulting